The Conception of Conception

The seed is planted.
For some, this is conception. The moment you decide you want to have a child. Before the egg meets the sperm, before the belly rounds, there is a thought, a conversation, and lots of speculation.
We want to be parents, right? So what are we waiting for? Are we scared?

Definitely. The idea both excites me and terrifies me at the same time. Even though I’m surrounded by people doing it, I want to do it so well that I’ve psyched myself out of it.

What does it take to care for a child? It seems everybody has their own opinion. But what does it really take? What does it feel like? What about everything I carry now, and then having a child to go along with it? I feel scared to bring them into this world sometimes.

What about everything I don’t know yet? And a child who will know even less, yet to be scarred, to be hurt by the suffering in the world. How will they take on my suffering? How can I protect them without holding them too close? How can I love them while still letting them go?

I don’t get to answer my own questions this time. I know I have to leave it up to the process. This journey hasn’t even begun and already I can feel the power of the mountain, the rush of wind in my bones, and I know I am bound for something beautiful. So beautiful it takes the breath from my lungs when I think of it actually becoming.

What could I possibly do that is more important in this life than take what I have learned and pour my heart into the next stage of our collective evolution.

I hope they can see what I can’t, find the errors that I overlooked, feel soft in ways I’ve been hardened, thrilled in ways I’ve become jaded, and remind me that it’s not over yet, there’s more to learn than I could ever predict.