Identifying Obstacles to Creativity

Creative Resistance is Back and Better Than Ever…

In a time of transition, when our world is turned upside down, I am moving across the country with my husband and baby girl. Many things have aligned to make us feel as if this is a good decision, however it is also a perfect time for Resistance to rear its ugly, seductive head. These days I find myself with an increasing sense of depression, and my creative life feels like a distant life I once had time for. Spare moments are filled with packing and organizing, not to mention all of our graciously given babysitting being used to pack our life into a station wagon. When we are not packing, my partner works an odd job, and I am at somebody’s house being a mom. The friends and family that have taken us in during this awkward transition have been extremely helpful and gracious, but all of it is bringing me into a sphere of stress where my typical passions seem far away and unimportant.

The most tantalizing form of Resistance I face is the belief that creativity is for another time. Writing songs and expressing my feelings is for a time of ease and space. Though I am deeply aware that songs are what get me through challenging times, the instability of the various environments and people has caused me to conveniently push it aside for the sake of… well… nothing I can really name except more time feeling sorry for myself.

After the resistance of unimportance, I develop the belief that I simply do not “have what it takes”. I am not the kind of person that will succeed in the things that I might dream of. I spend time idolizing other’s lives, wondering why they have it so great. I think “that’s nice for them” and feel that I am just not cut out for a good life. Resistance feeds on my own self-doubt in a time of transition, and the further I get from my creative identity, the closer I get to the soul-sucking negative spiral of depression and self-loathing.

This is a reality I once knew day in, day out. To re-visit is not something I care to do. This time around, with many moments of clarity and self-assuredness behind me, I can re-visit the old me with a sense of trepidation and mild preparedness. I have to remind myself that it is okay to struggle again, it is okay to be lost, to not be perfect, to need help.

Resistance will tell me I must always be on the right track or why even bother trying?

I must remember not to listen.

I must remember that this is not an eternal reality, but merely the result of a few weeks of living in a world that doesn’t ignite my spirit. Whether from my own choosing or external forces, I must forgive myself for the expectations that leave me feeling inadequate and exhausted.

If I give it a fresh thought, I feel I am rich with creative insight and motivation. I am growing and learning and writing better songs each day, week, month, year. I am not the musician I once was, and I truly hope not to be the musician I am now in five years.

And yet, the torment of high expectation hangs onto me like my daughter pulling my leg when she wants to play and I am too busy being busy. An innocent, pleading desire for presence and play.

If only I can accept it and be in whatever moment I am in.
If only I can be in the chaos long enough to feel it.

Take deep breaths, let out the tears that come from watching a chapter close, and fearing the future unknown. Give yourself an imaginary hug for all the things you try to do and all the people you try to be.

Most importantly, take a minute out of all this craziness to feel. Whether it be good, bad, confused, angry, sad, happy, or all of the above. Let the songs flow from the feeling of being alive in a confusing world.

Resistance, you can’t have me.